It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single

It s Not You Wrong Reasons You re Single If you re single but searching there s no end of explanations excuses and criticism you ll hear to explain why you re single Even the most self possessed singleton may come to doubt herself You re

  • Title: It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single
  • Author: Sara Eckel
  • ISBN: 9780399162879
  • Page: 352
  • Format: Paperback
  • If you re single but searching, there s no end of explanations, excuses, and criticism you ll hear to explain why you re single Even the most self possessed singleton may come to doubt herself You re too picky Just find a good enough guy and you ll be fine You re too desperate If men think you need them, they ll run scared You re too independent Smart, ambitioIf you re single but searching, there s no end of explanations, excuses, and criticism you ll hear to explain why you re single Even the most self possessed singleton may come to doubt herself You re too picky Just find a good enough guy and you ll be fine You re too desperate If men think you need them, they ll run scared You re too independent Smart, ambitious women always have a harder time finding mates You have low self esteem You can t love someone else until you ve learned to love yourself You re too needy You can t be happy in a relationship until you ve learned to be happy on your own It s Not You is structured around the many messages that singles, especially single women, get about who they are and who they re supposed to be Supported by the latest psychological and sociological research, as well as interviews with single women, Eckel creates a strong argument for why you should love yourself as you are no change necessary By debunking the myths that have kept single women doubting themselves, Eckel encourages singles to stop picking apart their personalities and to start tapping into their own wisdom about who and what is right for them, as they begin to understand and accept there s no one reason they re single they just are.

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      Published :2019-04-17T02:26:44+00:00

    About "Sara Eckel"

    1. Sara Eckel

      Sara Eckel is the author of It s Not You 27 Wrong Reasons You re Single TarcherPerigee Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Boston Globe Magazine, The Daily Beast, The Shambhala Sun, Martha Stewart Living, Self, Working Mother and other publications She lives in Kingston, NY, with her husband.

    267 thoughts on “It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single”

    1. DNF at page 106I think this might be something I hold onto, but it's not right for me now. I bought this as someone who's single, but I've never dated before, and subsequently, I've never had difficulty with relationships. This book is marketed and geared toward people who have been in relationships that always fail and they want to be reassured that it's not their fault. Since I've never dated, I felt like the message didn't apply to me, so I never got into it, and it wasn't funny or fast-paced [...]

    2. Good grief, it's like this woman took all the thoughts I've ever had about being single--and all the comments friends and family have ever said to me about my being single--and put them in writing. Only, she added in a lot of actually sort of helpful Buddhist ways of looking at it--all of which were much kinder and more hopeful and productive than anything I've read before, without all the usual "Don't worry, you'll find someone" stuff that you'd get from your friends. Not that I make a habit of [...]

    3. When you are dying to vent to a single friend, but there are no single friends left, read this book.When you need a moment of reassurance to remember you're not crazy and you're not doing it all wrong, read this book. When you think you'll kill the next person that says "It'll happen when you least expect it!" or "You just have to put yourself out there!", read this book.

    4. Mmmmm. Some mixed feelings about this one. For one thing, I DID feel a little betrayed that the author is married. No, she is not one of us. And I've never been one who takes comfort from other people who have defeated the same challenges I face. We might both be/have been single, but I have other reasons for being that way.The other thing is . . . It didn't entirely fit the single person I am. Nobody asks me why I'm single. I think some of that is just regional. The Pacific Northwest is pretty [...]

    5. Reading this book made me feel better. Most of the time I would say I am happy being single. I'm not going out of my way to meet a life partner, so even the times I do feel sad about it, I tell myself, well, these are the choices you've made. This book isn't really a how-to or even self help. It's more a series of essays about the challenges of being single--emotionally, financially, familially--and how to navigate the minefield that is modern society as an unattached woman. For that reason, a l [...]

    6. Fair warning for my friends who care: there is some limited swearing in this book. But let's be honest, involuntary singlehood after a certain age deserves at least some profanity.I read, loved, and shared with a number of friends Sara Eckel's NYTimes 2011 essay that formed a starting point for this book. The last line of that essay especially resonated with me "What’s wrong with me? Plenty. But that was never the point." Here she continues the conversation, setting up and knocking down some o [...]

    7. Yep, read it. Only discovered Sara Eckel's Modern Love column recently, so I was interested in what she had to say over the span of 200+ pages, which, basically, is what I wish people could say on a regular basis: friends, family, the magazines I don't even read but I know are out there and spew dating advice BS. People will say that we don't need books like this to know that what Eckel says is true, but we do need more voices saying that being single is not some sort of deficiency. Eckel's voic [...]

    8. I am not normally one for dating books, and I thankfully have friends and family members who actually like and respect me and would never dream of telling me what I'm "doing wrong" (actually, I had one "friend" who did that, and for that reason and a number of others, he's no longer a friend). But I became intrigued by this book after Meghan Daum recommended it in her feature here on . I decided to pick it up, and I'm glad I did. I think many people, single or no, would benefit from reading this [...]

    9. This is a book for single women who are sick of answering that question: why are you not married. And maybe it's also for all their married friends. It is so American of us to think we are one book away from greatness, so female of us to fall prey to all those self-help books that promise to fix us so that we may be worthy of a relationship. And that's what's so wryly radical about the premise of this book: what if we were enough? Just as we are. I loved this book.

    10. An excellent, intelligent, often funny book. Like Bridget Jones in non-fiction form, the author points out how contradictory all the conventional things people and books say are ("you're too independent" / "you're too needy") and ultimately how pointless they all are anyway. Most self-help books will start out by telling you that all the other self-help books are wrong, but then go on to tell you why you should believe or do this other thing instead. This book tells you all the other books are w [...]

    11. A lot of this book felt like it came out of my own experience. Yes, I am 47 3/4 (my 48th is only 5 weeks away) and single…My most favorited and relisted list (on BJ Novak's list app) is a list of "Worst Parts of Being Single" with the penultimate item being:"Asked 'WHY are you single?' [over and over and over again]." This book is basically an exploration of the things people say to you as a perennially single person…and the ways they are absolutely wrong in those things even when well-inten [...]

    12. I know. Five stars is a lot for a self help book about dating but this book bests all the books in the genre. I don't know about you but most of the dating advice I've received was bad. It generally goes along the lines of something is wrong with you or you're doing something wrong, and you end up feeling shitty. Well, there is nothing wrong with you, and this dating business is all just a matter of chance. This is one of the few dating books that isn't sexist, doesn't seem dated (pun intended) [...]

    13. Ενδιαφέρον βιβλίο με ενδιαφέρουσες συμβουλέςΕισαγωγή:Όταν δεν αφήνεις πλέον τις εξωτερικές φωνές να σε φρικάρουν σιγά σιγά αρχίζεις να βρίσκεις μέσα σου τη δική σου γνώση για το ποιος είσαι και τι είναι σωστό για σένα.Κεφάλαιο 1(Έχεις θέματα): Κι αν το μοναδικό σου "θέμα" εί [...]

    14. This book was, actually, respectably on-point. I heard about it through the "Love Hurts" series of episodes on the "Strangers" podcast, and since that episode series was really insightful, I figured it would be worthwhile to examine more of that in this book. This book might be a bit more pop-psych/relationship advice column-ish, but it definitely doesn't descend into the cliches of supermarket checkout magazines a la "15 Moves In Bed That Will Totally Wow Him."The premise of the book is taking [...]

    15. One of my least favorite things about being a woman of Middle Eastern descent (really, a woman of any descent) is how intrusive people get when you're not married. I was 27 when I was told I should think about freezing my eggs. A few years later, at a memorial service for an uncle, I was asked when I'd be getting married. When I responded that I'd marry someone when I found someone I would want to marry, I was informed that "sooner is better than later". OK, thanks, distant relative. I'll just h [...]

    16. Though geared towards never-married women of a certain age, I found true comfort in Eckel's book. Anyone on their own, alone, or lonely--especially women, who bear the brunt of "what's wrong with you?" comments--could find solace, a bud of self-compassion, acceptance, and love about their life right now, in this moment, without a mate. I wrote down several page numbers and specific, "hit the nail on the head" excerpts to share on my blog. I've a new sense of "c'est la vie" about my single again [...]

    17. This book makes me supremely happy. Sara Eckel's It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single is both an uplifting and amusing breaking apart of the reasons a woman past her mid-twenties might still be single. She approaches a very sensitive topic with grace and honesty listing twenty-seven different reasons that she was over the years and tearing them down.I appreciated the fact that this book isn't just Eckel's opinions written down either. The book is full stories of other women and snippet [...]

    18. I could not recommend this book more. It's not a how-to about finding a spouse or improving yourself so that you're "worthy" of love. It's a powerful manifesto about love, self, and recognizing that the "rest of your life" is right now. You are not on hold simply because you haven't found the person you're meant for. I feel empowered, grateful for my life, and hopeful for my future, whether it includes a husband or not. Much love to Sara Eckel!

    19. Really loved the first half of this book. The second half felt a little repetitive, but overall a great, fast read. This book should almost be required reading for all women, regardless of marital status. It puts into words everything I feel when my married friends say things insinuating how "fun" "carefree" or "easy" my life must be, and at the same time, it respects those married friends and explains that they aren't trying to be condescending.

    20. A few choppy sections in the second half, but overall a beautiful book about compassion. Learning self compassion if you're single and understanding how to be compassionate if you married before you got a taste of such pain.

    21. Still Single? Read This!I'm so grateful to my friend Julie for recommending this book. I've been single for 20 years and hated most of those years. Or so I thought. This book provided 3 big things for me: 1) Validation. Being single is hard. And expensive. 2) Now I know why I get SO exasperated when my married friends and family (and me!) ask me all those questions or offer up all those opinions and ideas (for God's sake, of course I've tried online dating!!). It really isn't anything I'm doing [...]

    22. This was a great book for me (thanks Elizabeth for the suggestion) because I go through a cycle of:1. feeling like EVERYTHING is wrong with me if no one wants to date me2. getting all indignant, like “NO. I’m awesome and anyone would be lucky to date me” and feeling amazing for a while3. then thinking that maybe I'm delusional, I'm not that great and could probably do some things a little differently and back to the topJoking aside, being single not by choice can be an emotional rollercoas [...]

    23. Found this gem of a book in my April newsletter on a list called, "Meghan Daum's Favorite Books About Living on Your Own Terms (Or What Happens When You Don't)." Initially I was too embarrassed even to add it to my list, much less read it in public, but the content squashes that impulse pretty quickly. To my surprise, I really, really loved this book. I consider it the single gal’s bible; it will be making the rare transition from library book to something that is actually purchased in hard [...]

    24. Really great quick read. One of the best advice books for singles who keep hearing the same old made up rhetoric about how to leave their single status behind: smile more, get out more, loosen your standards, tighten your standards, change your energy, think happy thoughts, stop working so hard, blah blah blahLove is about chance and luck. Being in the right place at the right time is the only bit of advice that works true for everyone who has ever been involved in a lasting relationship. This b [...]

    25. Being single-again and trying to get back into the dating game without much success, this title caught my eye. If my lack of success is not about me, then what is it really about, anyway? I wanted to know!This book is an offshoot of an essay Eckel wrote for The New York Times in 2011 in which she got lots of positive feedback. Let’s face it, it’s comforting to know that those of us who find ourselves in the same situation are not alone.The original essay:nytimes/2011/09/25/fasEckel has a pre [...]

    26. Finally, a book that will ensure singles over 35 that they’re not the last single person out there and there’s nothing wrong with them. They just haven’t met that someone. It’s okay to be picky, to have careers, to enjoy living solo, to travel, to be undecided about your future, to be a bet of a mess, to not smile all the time. Yes, someone will love you anyway. Some people are late bloomers and there’s no reason to beat yourself up over that. Sara Eckel wrote a wonderful article in NY [...]

    27. I am completely the target audience for this, admittedly, as someone who is usually single. But I found it the most gentle, kind "self-help" kind of book I've ever read. Incredibly uplifting and encouraging about everything I believe but often feel others don't understand. And I got some new ideas from it. It's a very quick read, and I'd love if my never-single friends read it to better understand my life. There were so many good quotes, and I'll try to just include a few here:"With self-compass [...]

    28. A few weeks ago, my boss could not let not knowing why I was single go. (Just yesterday, she swore I will have babies with a police officer who came in to hang a sign on our bulletin board and they will be beautiful, so, that has also been fun.). Her adamant repetition of the question, juxtaposed with compliments made me feel under the microscope and dumb, because I didn't have an answer for her. And it didn't help that it was coming so close on the heels of a discussion with a guy I have slept [...]

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